Random Jokes And Drabbles
by Duck Life
Summary: Just random things I think of when I read the Twilight series. Keep in mind that I usually think of these late at night! Please R&R!
1. Heroin Heroine

Bella: So, I'm your brand of heroin?

Edward: Yes, but you are more than that. Bella, _you _are my brand of _heroine_.

Bella: Really?

Edward: …No. Sorry, you're just too clumsy to be a heroine.

Bella: Hmph.


	2. Happy Valentine's Day, Jacob!

"So, will you be my valentine?" Jacob asked. I frowned. I wished there was some way to set the boundaries straight… WHAM! I punched him.


	3. Laurent

Laurent leered, edging toward me. Edward cursed and hissed at him in my mind. I shuddered, trying to think of something as the terrifyingly gorgeous vampire took another step toward me. "Run, Bella!" Edward cried uselessly. Even if I had somehow been able to outrun a vampire, my legs were frozen to the ground. I watched, strangely feeling like I was only watching this scene play out before me, as Laurent came within ten feet of me. "Bella, no!" yelled Edward. "Try to run!" Well, I could try, I thought bitterly, but I would fall down. But… Laurent didn't have to see that. Inwardly, I smiled as the idea formed in my head.

"Care for a race?" I asked, struggling to be nonchalant. He raised his eyebrows.

"Human versus vampire? I don't think we even need to test that out," he laughed, coming closer. I gulped, a shiver creeping up my spine.

"Okay, if you're afraid I'll beat you," I said, my voice too high to be believable. However, he stopped.

"Afraid?" he scoffed, but there was the slightest hint of doubt in his voice now. I grabbed at that eagerly.

"But I'm faster than you," I lied, keeping my voice strong. He still looked perplexed.

"But you're _human_," he said, as if I didn't know it. I choked back a sob and ignored the scream in my chest as the hole opened up.

"Do you really think that Edward would have even _talked _to me if I hadn't been so very _inhuman_?" I asked, shocked at how even my voice was. And now Laurent was convinced. Who says you can't lie to a vampire?

"A race then," he said, his confidence not quite as strong as before.

"First one to the Alaskan border," I said, yawning as if this was easy.

"First one to the Arctic," he challenged.

"First one to _Ant_arctica," I bluffed. "Unless that's too hard for you."

"First one to Antarctica," he growled, bending into a starting position. I stood beside him and knelt down, too.

"Ready," I began, "Set-" And he was gone. Disappeared. I caught a tiny glimpse of him as he zoomed off into the forest. I laughed with giddy joy. "Sucker."

And I hiked back home.


	4. Tour Of Edward and Bella's Cottage

Entering, you'll see the lovely family room, with the beautiful, priceless paintings. See, these paintings could be destroyed by the slightest pollution of the air. So, it's a good thing that Edward and Bella don't need to breath. Oh, right, hold your breath, everybody!

Here is the kitchen. See that jar on the table? That's Jacob's "Nessie" jar. Bella makes him put a quarter in it whenever he calls Renesmee "Nessie". See those jars behind it, and the ones under the sink? Those are the overflow.

Let's open up their refrigerator. What, you may ask, would a family of vampires have in their refrigerator? Oh, goodness, back in the fridge, kittens. Now, that's just ghastly.

Here is the little mons- _Renesmee's _room… (Stop growling, Jacob, I didn't say it.) There's a very large bookshelf in here… what a nerd.

Here, you'll see Edward and Bella's room… that's funny, the door is closed. Okay, moving on!

And, this is Renesmee's bathroom, the only bathroom in the house, of course, and next to it is… the other bathroom? Huh. That's weird.

Thank-you for joining us at Vampire Tours. We'll be conducting a tour of Volterra next week, and as we only serve vampires, and vampires aren't allowed into Volterra, our employees will be getting a day-off. Hurry, now, before Edward and Bella find out that I picked their lock!


	5. Interruption

I stared with hatred at Aro and the rest of the Volturi. It seemed necessary to fight them, and I was glad. I was finally strong enough. We awaited their final decision. Finally, Aro spoke. "It will be a regrettable waste of our kind to lose any of-"

And then he stopped talking. We could all see why. Somebody else had taken the spotlight.

"Okay, I'm a let you finish," said Kanye West, surprising us all. "But this isn't as big as the Southern vampire wars. Those wars were the biggest thing of all time, of ALL time!" Jane glared at him, and he fell to the ground. "Augh-ah-augh-ah-augh-ah-augh," he screeched in agony and audio-tuning. It was almost comical- like he was rapping his pain. When Jane finished, she picked him up and tossed him to the hungry vampires behind her.


	6. Fun With Emmett's Name

_Bella bumps into Emmett, knocking him over._

Bella: Oh, Em, gee…

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Charlie (to Emmett): Hey, is the football game on, …

Emmett: You still don't know my name, do you?

Charlie: Of course I do!

Emmett: I'll give you a thousand dollars if you can tell me my name right now.

Charlie: Um, it-

Emmett: Dang it!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Sam (to Emily): Em?

Emmett: What?

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Carlisle: So, Edward, the bigwordbigwordbigword, when combined with anotherbigwordanotherbigword will emit-

Emmett: What do you want?


	7. Jacob Gets Bella To Guess

Jacob and I were playing hangman. Once he added another leg my hangman would be dead. There was one blank left. So far, I had spelled out, "I AM A WEREWOL_" I looked at it.

"Um… T?"


	8. Bella Always Says What She's Thinking

_First chapter of Twilight. Edward and Bella are in biology class. Edward is angry (thirsty). _

Bella: What's your _problem_?

Edward: Must…resist…

Bella: Resist _what_? Are you mentally impaired? Why are you so pale? You're hot.

Edward: Stop talking!

Bella: You're not the boss of me!

Mr. Banner: No, Miss Swan, that would be me. Class has started.

Bella: I hate this class! I want to go back to Arizona!

Edward: What are you doing?!

Bella: Saying exactly what I think. You should try it, it's fun.

Edward: Um… okay. You smell yummy. Like, edible. I wanna eat you.

Random Twi-hard: Why is Edward making grammatical errors? He's from 1901!

Writer: Are you saying there weren't grammatical errors in 1901?

Random Twi-hard: Well, I mean… he's a vampire! Shouldn't he speak more like Romeo or something?

Writer: You just spoiled the surprise for everyone. I BANISH YOU!

Bella: That's stupid.

Writer: Oh, who cares what you think.

Edward: I do.

Writer: Shush!


	9. Breakfast Time

Edward: Breakfast time!

_Bella clutches her throat. Edward looks shocked._

Bella: Kidding!

Edward: Uh, yeah, so was I.

Bella: What?

Edward: Nothing!


	10. The Cullens And Bella Ride In The Volvo

Emmett: Hey, um, Bella? You're the only human here, so could you, like, break the tension by coughing or farting or something?

Alice: Emmett!

Bella: AaaaaaaaCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

…

Emmett: Okay, that didn't actually help.


	11. Falling Asleep Outside

Bella: I fell asleep outside.

Charlie: Don't get too used to that. You might drown.


	12. Eavesdropping At The Prom

Edward: Jacob Black is annoying me.

Bella: You were eavesdropping?!

Edward: I was standing two feet away from you!


	13. First Sight

There were five people sitting at the Cullens table… airquotes around the people.


	14. She Sees Things

Edward: Alice sees things.

Bella: Does she see dead people?

_Edward gestures to himself._

Edward: Hello…


	15. Shopping

Alice: Thank-you for letting me join your family.

Carlisle: Our pleasure.

Esme: Alice, would you like to go shopping with me this weekend?

Alice: Shopping?

Esme: It's where you go out and buy things, mostly clothes.

Alice: Hmm…

Random Person Who Can Predict The Future: Don't do it!!!


	16. The Bell

"You know, Dad…" I began, breaking into his reverie.

"What's that, Bell?"

"You hear it too?"


	17. Customary

Edward: You should introduce me to Charlie.

Bella: He already knows you.

Edward: As your boyfriend.

Bella: Why?

Edward: Isn't that customary?

Bella: Well, yeah, but I thought we were switching to the metric system.

Edward: Ha, ha, very funny.


	18. Ostentatious

Edward: Ostentatious, isn't it?

Bella: Yeah. If she has that, why does she ride with you?

Edward: Like I said, it's ostentatious.

Bella: Right...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Edward (muttering): Ostentatious.

Bella: Okay, you keep using that word, and I don't know what it means!


	19. Rosalie's Car

Bella is looking at Rosalie's car.

Bella: What kind of car is that?

Edward: A red car.

Bella: I don't speak _Car and Driver_.

Edward: It's an M3.

Bella: Ah.


	20. Edward and Bella Texting in New Moon

Edward: B, I need 2 tlk 2 u.

Bella: Since when do u no txt tlk?

Edward: i learnd it so I cud do dis.

Bella: What?

Edward: i'm brkn p w/ u.

Bella: Huh?

Edward: im brg up w/ u.

Bella: What?

Edward: I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!

Bella: ...what?


	21. Charlie Discusses Carlisle

Bella: The Cullens are very good looking.

Charlie: You should see the doctor.

Bella: Um… what?

Charlie: In a straight sort of way…yeah…that's what I meant.


	22. What About Charlie?

_Bella, Alice, Edward, and Emmett are in Emmett's Jeep, trying to get away from James._

Edward: James won't stop until you're dead!

Bella: What about Charlie?

Edward: It's okay, I don't think Charlie wants you dead.


	23. This Is Howie Do It

Jacob: You would call them "vampires".

_Bella gasps._

Jacob: You're on "Howie Do It"!


	24. Just Kidding!

Bella: Dad, Edward is my boyfriend.

Charlie: Wha- Really? Bella?

Bella: Well, no. Actually, Edward is a vampire. He was born in 1901, and he hasn't aged since 1918. He and the other Cullens only drink animal blood, but Edward is more tempted by my blood than he's ever been before. But it's okay, we're working around it.

Charlie: Uh…

Bella: Psyche!

Edward: Sort of.


	25. Scary Dark Men

Bella: I thought it was somebody I knew.

Jessica: Do you know a lot of menacing, dark strangers who could rape and/or kill us?

Bella: Well, not _a lot_.


	26. Cheerios

Bella: What's for breakfast?

Edward: Er, um… What's that food called? You know, those "o" shaped oat-like things that are not oats and yet still come in a bowl?

Bella: Cheerios?


	27. Coffins

Bella: No coffins?

Edward: No coffins.

_Bella trips over a coffin._

Edward: Except that one.

_Bella stands up and faces a coffin._

Bella: Augh!!!

Edward: And that one.

_Bella stubs her toe on yet another coffin._

Edward: Hm, I forgot about that one.


	28. CoverUp Story

Edward: You feel down two flights of stairs and through a window.

Bella: Really? You'd think I would _remember _something like that…

Edward: Bella, that's the cover-up story,

Bella: Oh. Okay, so why does my mom think you're here?

Edward: I came down to talk some sense into you.

Bella: Wait, but I thought you came down here to save me from James.

Edward: You know what? Just forget it. For all you know, the Lucky the Leprechaun chased you over a rainbow to Phoenix, and then you fell into the pot of gold and broke all of your bones.

Bella: … Actually, I think I remember that!


	29. Aphrodite

Bella: My mom looks like me, but she's prettier.

Edward: Your mother is Aphrodite?


	30. Edith Head

Edward: Bella, before you, I spent my entire life either wallowing in the awfulness of what I am and wondering who Edith Head is.

Bella: Who is Edith Head?

Edward: That's what I'm trying to figure out! All I have to go on is that she's a cultural figure that we don't know a lot about!

Bella: Why don't you Google her?

Edward: That would be forfeiting to the enemy!

Bella: Who is the enemy?

Edward: They Might Be Giants.

Bella: Giants? They _might _be giants? Giants exist?

Edward: No, it's a band.

Bella: Oh. Weird band name.

Edward: You think the All-American Rejects are really rejected?

Bella: You know what, never mind.


	31. If You Don't Want To Sleep

Edward: If you don't want to sleep…

Bella: If I don't want to sleep?

Edward: What do you want to do?

Bella (thinking, in song): _I wanna make love right now, now, now. _

Bella: I don't know.


	32. I Love You

Edward: Bella, you are the core of the infinite universe, of my very existence. I worship the ground you walk on and the air you breathe. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone in all of eternity. I cannot leave you, for you are my life. Without you, there would be nothing.

Bella: Oh, Edward, I love spending time with you, too.


	33. I Say A Lot Of Things!

Bella: You were right.

Edward: I usually am, but about what this time?

Bella: You don't remember?

Edward: Hey, I say a lot of things! I can't be expected to remember all of them. Speaking of which, was it you I told I was a vampire?

Bella: What?!

Edward: Apparently not.


	34. In Italy

Edward stepped out into the Italian sunlight. Just as his feet hit the sunny pavement, a storm abrupty broke out.


	35. Lie In New Moon

Edward: Bella, you are the core of the infinite universe, of my very existence. I worship the ground you walk on and the air you breathe. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone in all of eternity. I cannot leave you, for you are my life. Without you, there would be nothing.

Bella: Oh, Edward, I love you, too.

_1 hour later_

Edward: Bella, Jasper could have killed you, and I could never bear that. I couldn't stand to be without you, to know that you were gone, lifeless, blank. I must protect you, because I cannot live in a world where you don't exist. I'm leaving, because you are threatened by vampires in your midst.

Bella: No, Edward! Don't go!

Edward: But… um… I don't … love… you. Sure, that's it.

Bella: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!


	36. Sentence

Edward: I could kill you quite easily, simply by accident.

Bella: Yeah, okay, that's the kind of sentence that gets you out of this bed and into that rocking chair.


	37. Emmett's Singer

Bella: What did Emmett do?

Edward: You remember Rosalie?

Bella: She was one of them? He bit her?

Edward: Oh, no. She was really mad at him when he came home and said he killed somebody.


	38. Sparkling

Bella: Okay, what did you want to show me about the sun, Edward?

Edward: I'm sparkling!

Bella: You know all humans can do that, right?

Edward: What?!

Bella: Yeah. You just never see people doing that because you always go hunting on sunny days.


	39. Good Guys, Bad Conversation

Edward: So…

Charlie: So…

Edward: It's…raining.

Charlie: Yup.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Jessica: Hey, Bella, what's up?

Bella: Nothing much.

Jessica: Me neither.

Bella: That's cool.


	40. Edward Forgot

Bella: Stay!

Edward: Dog commands? Bella, I think you're confusing me with Sam Uley and the other werewolves.

Bella: WHAT?

Edward: Oh, right, the thing is that you _don't _know about the werewolves. Okay, never mind, forget I said that!


	41. Hiking or the ER?

Jacob: Hiking or the ER?

Bella: Oh, Jacob, we'll have time to do both! I can trip on a tree root on the way back.


	42. Edward Reveals More Secrets

Edward: That was the first night I came here.

Bella: Wait, what?

Edward: I have to start writing down what I do and don't tell people!

**A/N: You know what I don't get? Why people story alert oneshots. I mean, seriously, if the author says it's a oneshot, and if it's obviously a oneshot (i.e., everyone dies), why alert it? No offense to anyone who does it, I mean, I'm just saying. (Wow, that sounds lame.) Anyway, I'm sorry for ranting. Maybe I should start a fanfiction blog.**


	43. Jacob At The Prom

Jacob: This isn't me, it's what my dad wants, but… My dad wants you to break up with your boyfriend.

Bella: Really?

Jacob: Yeah, and for some reason he said specifically that he wanted you to date _me_. I know, right? But, well, he said, and…

Bella: Well, I guess you're not going to get your parts.

Jacob: Did I say car parts? I meant _body parts_. Yeah, if you don't date me, he's not going to donate his kidney to me, and I'm going to die. I know, Dads, right?


	44. Mind Reading

Did they know that I knew? Should I know that they know what I know? Well, if they _could _read my mind, they would be very confused right now.


	45. Pepperspray

James brought my arm to his mouth and bit it. My arm burned intensely, erasing the pain in my leg. I stifled a scream. Weakly, I pulled out my pepper-spray and squirted him with it as my hand twitched in agony.

"Agh!" he yelped. "That stuff _stings_! Ow, ow, OW!!! Oh my god, you have no idea what this feels like. Ow!!! This is the most pain I've ever been in! Augh, OUCH!!! Man, that burns! Ow, ow, ow, it burns! Oh my god, this is awful! It _burns_!!!"


	46. Bella Dies

_Bella trips and dies while running through Volterra._

Alice: Edward! Wait! Bella's alive!

Edward: Really?

Alice: Okay, she was. You don't know how close we were. You know, if you had seen her a minute ago. So, yeah this isn't Bella. This is- just an icky corpse. Ugh. But really, we were really close, and I think that's pretty good, considering the circumstances.

**NEW**


	47. Owl City

Bella: Hey, Edward?

Edward: What?

Bella: If you're the bird whenever we pretend it's summer, then I'm the worm.

Edward: Wha- isn't that an Owl City song?

Bella: No! I told you, I don't like that band. I was just pointing something out.

Edward: Oh. Okay.

_Renesmee walks in, crying._

Renesmee: Jake's in Canada.

Bella: Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains. 'Cause I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins.

Edward: Alright, I KNOW that is Rainbow Veins by Owl City.

Bella: Don't be ridiculous.

_Enter Alice._

Alice: Hey, Bella-

Bella: I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

Edward: Come on, Bella, that's Fireflies and you know it. I mean, really, what could that have to do with the conversation?

_Bella takes her earphones out of her ears. She is wearing an Owl City t-shirt_.

Bella: I'm sorry, what?

Edward: Ha! You do like Owl-

Bella: Hold on.

_Bella puts her earphones back in._

Bella: THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!!!

_Edward groans._

**MOON**


	48. Papercut

While slicing her birthday cake, Bella accidently jammed the knife into her arm. "Oh, no. What a pickle!" she exclaimed, yanking it out of her arm. Blood plumed out of her arm and splashed the ceiling. "Oh, dear," she murmured, turning around.

"Oh, what a dreadful thing to happen! Come now, we'll need to stitch that up," said Edward, cheerfully leading her out towards the dining room, followed by Carlisle.

"Oh, no!" muttered Bella halfway down the hallway.

"What is it?" asked Edward as blood drenched the carpet.

"I appear to have lost my thumb," replied Bella, pointing to a thumb rolling around on the floor. Blood squirted from her stump of a thumb like a hose.

"Pick it up, we'll have to reattach it."

"What a bother, what a bother." Then, Jasper walked down the hallway.

"Hey, Bella. What happened?" he asked casually.

"I've had a few mishaps," answered Bella.

"My, that's just a perfectly awful thing to happen."

"Isn't it?"

"By the way, I got you a birthday card."

"Why, thank you ever so much, Jasper." Bella opened the envelope. "AUGH!!!!! PAPERCUT!!!!!!! OW, OW, OW, IT HURTS _SO _MUCH!!!!!" she shrieked. Jasper roared as he lunged for her.

"Bella, get out, I don't know if I can hold him off, and it's… it's hard to resist," grunted Edward.

"OW!!! THIS I THE MOST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN ALL MY LIFE!!! OW, OW OW!!!!!!"

**OUT**


	49. Paramore

Edward: I cannot read your mind.

Bella: My thoughts you can't decode?

Edward: Exactly.

_Bella starts to trip, but then steadies herself._

Edward: You okay?

Bella: Yeah… I caught myself.

Edward: Oh. Wait, you really think you're okay with being with… me? A vampire?

Bella: Of course. I was… born for this.

Edward: Are you just quoting Paramore songs?

Bella: What?! Of course not! What are you trying to do, _crush _everything I say?

Edward: See, you're doing it again!

Bella: No, I'm not! You know what this argument between us is? It's misery business.

Edward: Come on, Bella. You're just referring to Paramore songs.

Bella: I am not! Fences!

Edward: What?

Bella: Yeah. That's what you get.

**TOMORROW!!!!!!**


	50. My Interview With Taylor Lautner

Me: So, I hear that you're dating Taylor Swift.

Taylor: Yeah.

Me: And how's that going?

Taylor: I don't know. _Shrugs._

Me: Oh. So you didn't imprint on her?

Taylor: What? You know I'm not _actually _Jacob, right?

Me: Oh, right! _Whispering_. We have to protect your secret. _Normal voice. _You're just an actor. You aren't _really _a werewolf.

Taylor: I'm serious. I'm not a werewolf. Look!

_Taylor cuts his arm. It doesn't immediately heal._

Taylor: See? Human!

Me: Werewolf blood! It has so many magical properties! Can I have a vial?

Taylor: Oh my god.

Me: Oh, are you mad? ARE YOU GONNA PHASE???

**A/N: Excited about New Moon (okay, that's an understatement), but can I just say FAIL on making the symbol for the movie a crescent moon? I mean, seriously… but OMG OMG OMG it's tomorrow!!!**


	51. Pick Up Your Room

Esme: Emmett, pick up your room.

Emmett: Well, okay…

Esme: WAIT, DON'T EMMETT!!! Please, _tidy_ your room.

Emmett: Fine.

Esme: I keep forgetting how strong he is.

**A/N: I can't see New Moon until this afternoon, and I'll probably check my e-mail before I go, so please don't review with any spoilers!!! **


	52. Soundtrack

Edward: I cannot read your mind.

Bella: My thoughts you can't decode?

Edward: Exactly.

_Bella starts to trip, but then steadies herself._

Edward: You okay?

Bella: Yeah… I caught myself.

Edward: Oh.

Bella: I feel like I trip _a lot_. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling into a supermassive black hole.

Edward: Okay. Come on, I want to show you what I look like in the sunlight.

Bella: Wow… you look like you're standing in a spotlight.

Edward: What do you mean?

Bella: Never mind. So… this is you, a vampire. At least you're not a flightless bird.

Edward: Um… okay… you know, we should probably head home.

Bella: Why? Are your eyes on fire?

Edward: Okay, I know what you're doing! You're just quoting those songs that I hear in my head!

Bella: You hear them, too?!

A/N: Okey-dokey! 200th reviewer gets a shout-out in my next post!


	53. Team Jacob

Once upon a time, there was a princess, a vampire, and a werewolf. The princess stumbled upon the vampire one day while wandering in the woods. And he ate her, bones and all. Then, the werewolf chopped him in half with his ax, saved the princess, and sewed rocks into the vampire's stomach, so that he could not chase them afterward. Then, the werewolf married the princess and they lived happily ever after.

Eh, maybe I'm getting Twilight confused with Little Red Riding Hood…

Oh well. TEAM JACOB!!!

A/N: Shout-Outs: dancergirl7, for being my 200th reviewer. Thanks to her, and everybody that's read and reviewed this story. Also, my friend Molly (alicexdancer666) for helping me with ideas and singing Andy Samberg songs with me. 

Also, if you like this story, I just wanted to suggest a few of my other stories that you may enjoy:

Bloopers

Dusk, The Daytime Drama

I Suck At Summaries

If Edward Was Evil

Jimmy

Languages

Meeting In Between

Midnight Sun Table Of Contents

Parodies, Parodies, Parodies

The Cullens' Nightmares

The Vegetarian Vampire News At Ten

Vampire Chat Room

Why Jacob Is Better Than Edward

Why The Cullens Can't Babysit


	54. Blue Moon Trailer

Blue Moon- in which Bella is more feminist and _doesn't _need a boyfriend to function! (gasp!)

Edward: You just don't belong in my world, Bella.

Bella: _Your _world? _Everybody _owns this world. I don't _need _your world.

WHEN ONE RELATIONSHIP ENDS

Jacob: I know what he did to you, Bella.

BELLA GETS OVER IT

Jacob: Have you ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone?

ON NOVEMBER 20th

Bella: You've killed people, Jake.

Jacob: We only kill what we're trying to protect you from: vampires.

Bella: I don't need any protection.

_Edward and Jacob fight._

Bella: Stop! You idiots, quit fighting!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BLUE MOON

NOW PLAYING


	55. The Difference Between Moms and Dads

Bella entered her father's kitchen, irritated after her confusing lunch with the gorgeous, infuriating Edward Cullen. Charlie noticed her distress.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked concernedly.

"Well," she began, "there's this guy-" Charlie whisked away, leaving a rustling paper behind him. Bella sighed and called her mother over the telephone.

"Hello?" asked Renee.

"Hi, Mom," said Bella. "I wanted to talk to you about this guy-" With the same zooming sound that had accompanied Charlie when he'd left, Renee materialized in front of her daughter.

"Tell me _everything_."


	56. Blue Moon Trailer Two

_Bella is standing in the forest after Edward leaves._

FIRST MINUTE

SECOND MINUTE

THIRD MINUTE

FOURTH MINUTE

FIFTH MINUTE

Bella: Stupid Edward.

_Bella exits the forest._


	57. Converting

_Bella speaks with her mother over the phone._

Renee: Are you coming for Christmas?

Bella: Actually, I can't… because…um… before we got married, Edward and I agreed that after we got married, I would… convert.

Renee: To what?

Bella: Um… (to Edward) What's a religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas?

Edward: Judaism.

Bella: Judaism.

Renee: I thought I saw a cross in their house.

Bella: That was the letter "T". For, um… "_The _Cullens".

_Edward slaps his hand over his face. _

Renee: Oh. Okay. Happy Hanukkah!

Bella: Happy Chanukah!

A/N: You'll notice I spelled "Hanukkah/Chanukah" two different ways. Look up "Leevees" and the song "How Do You Spell Channukkah?" It's a pretty funny song.


	58. People In Bella's Brain

"Okay, look!" shouted Joe the brain-worker-person-thing, pointing to a screen displayed on the inside of Bella's mind. It showed that the process of Bella getting over Edward was 99 percent finished. "We're almost there. Look, she and Jacob are about to kiss. Somebody, fill her mind with mushy stuff!"

"On it!" replied another brain-worker-person-thing, pressing a few keys on a keyboard in front of them. The bar indicating how far along Bella was in getting over Edward inched forward.

"Good, good," remarked Joe. The phone rings. "What is that? Somebody, tap into the ears, what's with the phone?"

"Ears aren't strong enough, Joe," replied another worker. "But look, Alice is coming back." The worker pointed to a screen displaying Bella's view.

"Give me the ear feed," commanded Joe.

"…Edward," said Alice. The bar on the screen immediately decreased to negative 100.

"Dang it!" exclaimed Joe. "Red alert! Activate default!" Another worker slapped a large button, and Bella fell flat on her face.


	59. Delayed Reaction

_There's a monster Jeep in Bella's driveway._

Bella: AUGH!!! A MONSTER!!!

Edward: It's just a Jeep, Bella.

Bella: Actually, I'm having a delayed reaction to your being a vampire.

Edward: A delayed reaction?

Bella: Yeah, they happen to me. Whoa, is it raining?


	60. La Bella Italia

Edward: Go get Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too.

Bella: Okay, you didn't get my door, and now you're ordering me around?


	61. Ketchup

When the Cullens say "vegetarians", they don't exactly mean it, because:

Tomatoes are vegetables. **(I mean, come on, let's face it people. You don't put bananas in salads.)**

Therefore, ketchup is a vegetable.

Ketchup = Human blood

The Cullens are killers.


	62. Bella Is Afraid Of Vampires

Edward: So, you're not afraid of me?

Bella: No. I can handle it. So you're a vampire. I'm okay with that.

Edward: What are you drinking?

Bella: Garlic and holy water.


	63. Drunk

Edward: Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Bella: Oh, right. Okay, I guess.

Edward: Wait, you're drunk?

Bella: Um… no?

**A/N: Wow! 300th reviewer gets a shout-out!**


	64. Radio and A Really Long Author's Note

Edward: It's like you're on the AM frequency, and I'm only getting FM.

Bella: …You know, there's a little switch that changes that. It's right there on the radio.

**A/N: Shout- out to WingedWerewolf, who was technically my 300th reviewer, and also to HPobsessssssed7, who was the person to review on the last chapter the closest to 300th. I want to thank everybody for reaidng and reviewing and sticking with this story. I owe you guys so much. Sometimes, if I have a bad day, I post a joke knowing that I'll check my e-mail in a few hours to see it flooded with reviews. Thank-you, everyone. I can't believe I have over 300 reviews!**

**Also, a shout-out to Molly for being an awesome friend and continuing to quote SNL with me. (Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.)**


	65. Heartbeat

Edward: What? I'm not a vampire! I'm human! See! (fakes heartbeat) Bump bump, bump bump, bump bump.


	66. Weak Threat

Jacob: You know what makes me so angry that I could just SPIT?!

Bella: Wow. I don't know why I was so afraid of you being a werewolf. Sorry, Jake, but your threats are really weak.


	67. Why Edward Can't Be A Comedian

Edward: One time, I had a dream-

Bella: What? But you don't sleep!

Edward: It's just a joke, Bella. Anyway, I dreamt that I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, Renesmee was gone!

Bella: WHAT??? That's not funny! You can't joke about eating our child!


	68. Cocoa Puffs

"I'm going to watch _New Moon_ to keep myself distracted from wanting your blood, 'kay?" called Edward.

"Whatever," Bella replied. Edward switched the TV on.

"Wow," he muttered. "Kristen Stewart is hot."

"What?!" Bella asked threateningly.

"Uh… gotta watch the movie, Bells, my vampire thirst is getting stronger." He returned his gaze to the screen. Soon, it reached the scene where Bella began to bleed. "Bella's blood?"

Jackson Rathbone began chanting, "It's so fragrant!"

"Fragrant?"

"It's mouth-watering!"

"Mouth-watering?"

"And tasty!" finished Jackson.

"TASTY? I'm BONKERS FOR BELLA'S BLOOD! BONKERS FOR BELLA'S BLOOD!!!" Edward began bouncing up and down.


	69. Bella's Too Tired

Jacob: Bella, I'm a werewolf.

Bella: Jake, come back tomorrow. I'm really tired. I don't feel like playing guessing games.

Jacob: But… I just told you.

Bella: Fine, I get it. Honor, secrecy, and stuff. I'll try to figure it out tomorrow. Bye.


	70. TOO MUCH Fun Fabricating Evidence

Edward: Alice had a little too much fun fabricating evidence.

Bella: Did she really have to _actually _push me through a window?

Edward: You needed convincing wounds, and real damage done by a flying body.


	71. What Is Jacob Thinking About?

_Adam Lambert totally should have won._

"Jacob!" shouted Edward in fury. "Will you _please _keep your thoughts to yourself?"

**A/N: HOLY CRAP!!! I feel like a celebrity or something! 30,000 hits!!! 400th reviewer gets a shout-out!**


	72. Behind The Face

Bella: He's even more unbelievable behind the face.

Jessica: Ew…

Bella: Not literally!

**A/N: Shout out to AliiceMariie for being my 400th reviewer! I can't believe I've got over 400 reviews!!!  
**


	73. Human Murderer

_Bella's asleep (Edward's not there.). Enter a murderer through the open window._

Bella: What? Who's there?

Murderer: I'm gonna kill you.

Bella: What- are you human?

Murderer: As human as a sick, twisted psychopath killer can get.

Bella: But you're not, like, a werewolf, or a vampire, or something, right?

Murderer: What? Of course not! Now be quiet, I'm going to kill you now.

_Bella laughs._

Murderer: What?

Bella: Oh, nothing. Please stop threatening me, though. It's kind of annoying. I'm going back to sleep.


	74. ESPN

"So, what's your vampire talent?" asked Aro of the newcomer.

"I have ESPN," he answered, to Aro's exasperation.

"Don't you mean ESP?"

"No. My talent is that I can predict sports game scores before the game."

"GET OUT!!!"


	75. Monty Python

_Seth rips Riley's arms off._

Riley: I'll defeat you, stinking werewolf!

_Seth randomly phases back to human for the purpose of this joke. We ignore the fact that he's naked._

Seth: What are you talking about? You've got no arms!

Riley: It's just a flesh wound!


	76. Stake

Jacob staked Edward with a wooden stake. "YAHHH!!!" Edward stood in front of him, the stake protruding from his chest grotesquely.

"Myth."

**A/N: I made a Facebook account for my Fanfiction account. The name is "Brittany Smattermatter". There's a link posted on my profile, or you could just search the name. Please check it out! I'll be posting updates about stories, pieces of flair about stories I've written, and other stuff like that.**


	77. Dogs Will Be Dogs

Renesmee and Bella were sitting at the table, eating, while wolf-Jacob did his "begging for scraps" bit that always made them laugh.

"So," began Renesmee, turning to her mother, "I was in the library the other day, and I saw this book about- JACOB, QUIT HUMPING MY LEG!!!"

**A/N: Okay, a little risque, but this gave me major giggles last night and I just had to post it.**


	78. Jared's Out Of The Closet

Embry: Well, I guess Jared's out of the closet now.

Bella: WHAT?!

Jared: It's "I guess the _wolf's _out of the _bag_ now." How hard is that to say?!


	79. Jacob's Haircut

Leah: There you go, Jake. Your haircut is all done.

_Jacob phases back to human form and feels his hair._

Jacob: Great! It's nice and short.

Leah: Wait a second. Did I just shave you as a wolf when I could have just cut your tiny little crop of hair on your head?!

Jacob: Um… gotta go, Leah!


	80. Jacob A Werewolf?

Bella: Can't you stop this, whatever's wrong with you? Or tell me?

Jacob: I can't _stop_,Bella. It's not a lifestyle choice, I was born this way.

Bella: Oh, my god.

Jacob: You get it now?

Bella: You're _gay_?

Jacob: What? No!

**A/N: I'm presenting a challenge for myself. I'm going to write a fanfiction using elements given to me by the readers. I need a fandom, a pairing/friendship/relationship, and a genre. Remember, weird pairings are more interesting and more difficult to write about, so search for the strangest ones! (No slash, femslash, or incest, though.)**


	81. Newborns

Edward: There are twenty newborns coming to Forks.

Bella: Aw, I love newborns! Babies are so cute!

Edward: Not that kind.


	82. Jacob's Conclusion

Charlie: Why is Bella looking for ice?

Jacob: She smacked me. My conclusion: SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME!!!


	83. Showers

Apparently, vampires don't need showers, so they don't take them.

And Bella wonders why the werewolves can't stand the smell of them?

**A/N: I have a confession to make- I reached over 500 reviews and almost 50,000 hits, and I STILL have not thanked anyone! I am SO thankful, I actually do feel like I'm famous. Thank-you for continuing to read these ponderings. Your reviews mean the world to me! (Look at that lame expression. Isn't it great? Let's just marvel at it for a few moments...)**


	84. Sleeping In

Bella: What time are you going to pick me up tomorrow?

Edward: That depends. It's Saturday. I assume you want to sleep in.

Bella: Yeah, sleeping in sounds good. How about seven in the evening?

Edward: Okay, you do realize that the whole point of this outing is the sun?


	85. Vampire Birthday

Edward: Carlisle just celebrated his 362nd birthday.

Bella: How do vampires celebrate birthdays?

Edward: We stuck 362 candles in a moose.


	86. Breathtaking

Vampires _are _breathtaking- they kill you and then you don't breathe anymore.


	87. Werewolf Strippers

Jacob and his friend keep bursting out of their clothes.

Are they werewolves, or strippers?


	88. Better Than Ezra

Rosalie: My record is almost as good as Carlisle's. Better than Esme-

Bella: Isn't that a band?

Rosalie: Better Than Ezra.

Bella: Oh yeah… what were we talking about?

Rosalie: My story.

Bella: Oh. I don't wanna talk about that anymore. When is Edward coming back?

**A/N: Yaaaaaaaay! 600th reviewer gets a shout-out. Also, a shout-out if you can answer this trivia about last night's SNL: Which song did Justin Bieber sing during Tina Fey's monologue? (It's so perfect for him- obviously, though, I would think so. I've always thought he was a girl.) :D**


	89. Flamongeese

I heard the trampling through the forest, like a huge herd of horses. I knew it was the wolves.

No, it actually was a herd of horses.

Okay, _now _the wolves are coming. I can hear them, running through the forest. They're about to enter the clearing…

You've got to be kidding me. It's a flock of flamongeese.

"How many groups of random animals _are _there running around in these woods?!"

**A/N: Flamongeese. Plural for flamingo. Made it up. Best part of this joke.**

**If you like my song parodies, check out the poll on my profile!**


	90. More Interesting

Rosalie finished her story with a solemn face. "Now do you see why I can't let you become a vampire?"

"Yeah, I guess." Bella shrugged. "That story would've been more interesting if you'd killed Vera."

"It's a true story!"

"Yeah, well you could've killed her. For the sake of the story."

**A/N: My friend's trying to convince me to read "Cirque de Freak" and she told me to get you guys to convince me. **


	91. Telephone

Renee (on the phone): Bella? Bella!

Bella: Mom? I'm okay, Mom.

James (on the phone): If you ever want to see your mother alive again, you'll do exactly as I say.

Bella: Um... okay, _Mom_.

James (on the phone): You must act natural.

Bella: Okay?

James (on the phone): Just speak as you would normally on the phone. Your mother's life depends on it.

Bella: Uh... Hello, hello, baby, you called, I can't hear a thing. I have got no service in the club you see, see. You should've made some plans with me, you knew that I was free. And now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy.

James (on the phone): Ugh. Whatever.


	92. Healing Jacob

**A/N: Had to have an Eclipse movie joke. This takes place right after Bree dies.**

_Everyone is sitting outside Jacob's house, listening to his screams. Enter Carlisle._

_A pause._

Carlisle: Yeah, I think I might've sort of kinda killed your son.

Billy: What?

_Carlisle grabs Jared._

Carlisle: Here, just take this other Quileute wolf guy. They all look the same!


	93. Unexpected

**A/N: 'Nother one. Takes place during the Edward/ Vicky battle.**

Bella slid the jagged rock against her arm, feeling the blood trickle down her wrist. The woods quieted in tension. The three vampires had frozen and were staring at her. A long, long moment of utter silence passed as those in the clearing watched the blood pooling in Bella's palm.

THEN, out of nowhere, Jasper leapt out from behind a tree and latched onto Bella's wrist and sucked her dry.

THE END


	94. Replaced

A/N: You're not going to understand this joke if you didn't know that the actress in Eclipse is different than the original Victoria. So, for all those out of the loop- The actress in Eclipse is different than the original Victoria.

Edward: Why do you want to kill Bella so badly?

Victoria: I want you to feel the pain that I felt when you did the same to me!

Edward: What are you talking about?

Victoria: You killed my mate!

Edward: Wha- no, I didn't! No, I killed that other woman's mate. It wasn't you… no ,she had red curly hair and red eyes… okay, she _looked _a lot like you, but she wasn't you. You must be thinking of a different vampire-human couple that's part of an abnormally large coven of abnormally "vegetarian" vampires.

Victoria: Oh. Well, I'm really sorry for the confusion. I guess I'll call off the army. Come on, Riley!

_Begins to exit._

Riley: Wait, I need to find my arm.

Victoria: I'll buy you a new one!

Riley: It's my _arm_!

Victoria: Well, I have to go save me _arm_y. Apparently, we have the wrong coven.

Riley: That was the lamest pun ever.

_Victoria exits. Riley begins to exit, but turns around and mouths "Call me" to Bella while Edward isn't looking. Bella winks. Exit Riley._

**A/N: If I were Bella, I would call him. **


End file.
